“How to be a HAPPY special needs parent”

Working as a team.

1. My husband and I came up with a genius sleep schedule, and may not work for everybody, but to keep everyone happy (including Mommy) sleep is important. Since I am a stay at home mom I get up during the week days at night whenever Conner is having seizures, or whatever the issue is. On the weekends my husband takes over Friday and Saturday night. I use ear plugs to have a quiet peaceful sleep and even though it’s only two nights, it does make a huge difference!
2. Stop keeping count of who last did what. My husband and I have done this a lot in the past. “Babe, can you please give Conner his medicine?” “But I fed him all night I thought you would do it.” “But I have to take a shower and get ready to take him to the doctor” STOP IT! All that matters is, is you are each equally contributing to your child’s needs. This will save a lot of arguments! 😉 If you know something needs to be done, why not buck up and just get it done if you can.
3. Having disagreements when it comes to your child is only natural, but its best to express your opinion lovingly. When Joel and I were new special needs parents, Joel thought I was over reacting every time Conner did something weird. I sat him down and told him WHY I did this. I explained to him that the constant worry I was experiencing was taking its toll, and the only way I could cope was to make sure I did my very best at being in tune with Conner and if I was over reacting, I felt that it was better to be safe than sorry. After a while Joel saw that sometimes if I hadn’t been worried about it, things could have taking a turn for the worst. I don’t mean the wife is always right, sometimes the father can be right too lol, there have been lots of times when Joel had to explain how he felt about a situation. Give each other a chance to speak up, but never belittle each other in front of family, friends, or medical staff. Stay on the same page as much as possible. Come up with a plan for each situation that may arise. It will help things go smoother. That I promise!

Say no! Those of you that know me…you are going to think “Huh, she should listen to her own advice!” This is so true, but I have learned that when I say “No” to extra things I know I am doing myself a favor. I love helping people out because it helps me get my mind off of my own stress, and I know people appreciate the help! There are times though I say “Yes” too often and I end up becoming overwhelmed. So on top of taking care of my special needs son, my 4 year old daughter, being a wife, and a busy Christian (Jehovah’s Witness), I choose to put too much on myself and I just crumble under the pressure. DON’T DO THIS TO YOURSELF. Know your limits. Your friends and family will understand…

Beautiful inside and out. To begin with, being a special needs parent automatically makes you beautiful inside. What about outside? I’m not talking perfection here… BUT! Have you noticed when you put extra effort towards your hair and makeup it actually benefits you more than others? (Of course, I am doing everyone a favor by putting my face on, otherwise I would be ran out of town with pitchforks lol) I have noticed whenever I take a few extra minutes on my makeup, I feel at least 2x better than if I don’t. There is nothing wrong with sweats, messy buns, and naked faces! I am all for that! Try dedicating more time tomorrow for getting ready and see how you feel.

Romance. Why is romance important? Well that should be obvious! See my other blog…http://onerummymother.com/2015/01/13/never-neglect-date-nights-again/

Quiet time. Of course you all know I am a HUGE Quiet time advocate! See my other blog….http://onerummymother.com/2015/01/21/mommy-needs-quiet-time/

Ask for help. Don’t ever be ashamed to ask for help. We all need help time to time. I couldn’t be a special needs mom without the help of my family, friends, and support groups. Knowing you have people there to help you will put your mind at ease. If you keep trying to take on the world alone, you will fall apart, but with support, your peeps will keep you strong when you most need it. Even when you don’t need them, just knowing they are there for you can be really comforting.

Night out with friends. I try to make this a monthly priority. For you special needs moms and dads, you have got to take time away from home to be with your friends, and try your best not talk about your kids. Though it may be hard because they consume every second of the day usually and love them so much, but having some normal conversations is healthy and it’s okay, don’t feel bad. Remember, if you aren’t happy then your kids won’t be happy. Make time for you and your friends to just hang out.

Online support group. Since my son was first hospitalized I connected with other parents online via Facebook, Inspire, etc… The support was at times overwhelming! I would post about a bad day and I would instantly have over 20 comments posted. All to encourage and to keep us going. At times, I know you agree, you don’t even answer your family’s phone calls. Somehow getting online is my favorite way of receiving support. Not that my family doesn’t give great support because they do, but accessing the internet and talking with other parents saves my voice from cracking and emotional break downs over the phone, which I avoid at all costs. LOL

Dedicated family time. Family time, I know, can seem rare because of all the stress from therapy, doctor appointments, just everyday life with a special needs child but just take a moment to clear your mind and ask yourself these questions “How can I be happy?” This is one of my favorite quotes “Happiness is letting go of what you think your life is supposed to be like and celebrating it for everything that it is”- Mandy hale. We get so caught up with our busy lives that we forget what life is all about. My favorite thing to do is just sit and watch my kids play on the floor. I always think to myself how much time flies. I have to gobble up all of this cuteness and enjoy time with my family. We shut the TV off, and our phones and just relax, and listen to your kids play. That is how I celebrate the life I have. I listen… Also see http://onerummymother.com/2015/01/20/how-to-find-happiness-after-life-hands-your-family-lemons/

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Never neglect date nights again

“I’m too tired, let just stay home tonight” I say this all too often. We become so wiped out with trying to have a good life and that we actually forget to have… a GOOD LIFE! It’s time to shape up, get up, dress up, and go out…

Keeping your date nights a necessity will keep your marriage strong. What do you think happens when the husband and wife work all day, spend their days apart, and even when they are home, they are on separate ends of the house busy doing different things? They forget who their spouse is, they can even forget who they are as themselves. Whether you have kids or don’t, you will always find something to distract you and take your time away from your spouse. This I promise.

Schedule.

Sit down with your husband and look at each other’s schedules. Put date night down in pen! Don’t let anything come up.There’s nothing more disappointing that receiving a phone call from your husband at work… “Hey, Bill needs my help doing something tonight so maybe we can schedule our date for another day” No! If you MUST reschedule, sit down right then and reschedule it. Your spouse should ALWAYS come before your friends.

Don’t resent your kids.

Make sure you have a baby sitter scheduled to watch your kids. Always have a back up sitter if they cancel. Otherwise you may spend your evening at home resenting your kids. How awful is that?! lol

Save Money.

Dates these days are expensive! Our local movie theatre is $10 a ticket. Then you have to add up all of the snacks and drinks (Pshhh… I don’t sneak in dollar store snacks…..I don’t know what you’re talking about…) Check your area for a dollar theatre. Try to find a restaurant that offers 2 entrées for $20. Apple Bee’s has awesome deals for date night! Don’t just say “Oh we don’t have the money” You have to put forth SOME effort! Look online for local deals and discounts! Here is the link to your local movie times, hope you find something good to go see 🙂  http://www.fandango.com/

Save up.

Like I said before, dates can be expensive. If you are wanting to do just a simple nice date or something more elaborate, then you might have to start saving for either plan. Never just plan on “having” the money. I want you to go get an envelope right now…go do it….NOW! lol. Now grab a marker. Write on the back, “Date Night”. Inside of this envelope you will put in $5 – $20 per paycheck. Let’s say you and your spouse get paid twice a month each. Even if you just put in $5 a pay check that comes out to $20 by the end of the month. Go have some drinks somewhere!

Date ideas. 

Pack a Picnic. Rent a paddle boat for the afternoon. Mini Golf. Bowling. Poker night. Roller skating. Spontaneously get in your car and drive nowhere in particular, and spend the day there. Take your spouse to test drive their dream car. Go for a Hike. Sunset picnic. Attend a concert. Play pool together or against another couple. Movie Marathon. Make your own fire pit together and roast marshmallow’s. Camp in your back yard. Board Games. Pick a series of movies and cuddle up with popcorn (Cheap, I like it….). Take your husband to a brewery (I know mine would LOVE that). Stroll through a farmers market.

Statistics.

The percentage of married individuals, over the age of 18, who respond that their marriages are “very happy” has gradually declined over the last four decades, though the numbers have leveled out in the past 20 years.  The most recent studies show that 63.1% of men and 60.7% of women classify their marriages as such. We have to remember to take our marriage seriously. Think about the reason you married them in the first place? Maybe you both have changed so much…even if that’s the case take that as an opportunity to rediscover each other.

“Always strive to give your spouse the very best of yourself; not what’s left over after you have given your best to everyone else”- Dave Willis